So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
