oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize