Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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