The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
