oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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