the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
