Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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