mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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