After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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