i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
