Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
