my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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