You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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