peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
if only i could text you this smell
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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