Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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