My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
