I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
