Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
