The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
