Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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