fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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