wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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