I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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