My hand turned me down
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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