Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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