When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize