Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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