and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
