my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
