Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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