I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
