i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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