If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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