Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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