I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Small penises have feelings too.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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