I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize