my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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