she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
