I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize