Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The uberlube is also flammable
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize