SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
