I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
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