I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
