I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
