I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
