It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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