Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
