Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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