How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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