I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
