My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
