My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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