Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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