my phone needs a breathalizer
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
