i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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