Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
