Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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