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I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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