I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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